I felt it necessary, before you would put your faith and trust in me to understand, empathize and relate to any situation or experience you may have found yourself in regards to domestic violence, it was first important for me to share my story.
Growing up an only child, there was a sense of entitlement that came along with it. I was the queen—#1—and the apple of my father’s eye. I assumed the role of the equal and was put on a pedestal. The relationship between my parents was not that of one I would consider healthy—there was a lot of negativity, resentment and anger that brewed between the pair. At the time, I thought I did a good job at ignoring it and focusing my attention on me and how important I was…
The situation at home finally came to a head when they got a divorce when I was 15 years old. Unshaken, I remained at the center of my father’s universe—until he got remarried 3 years later.
At the time, I felt a sense of betrayal; a sense of love-loss; and a real sense of rejection. I was knocked from my place of importance to feel like a throw away. I internalized all of these emotions—and began searching.
My searching led me down a path of destruction—drugs, alcohol, partying and especially destructive, dysfunctional relationships. You see, since I was young, I always had a tendency to be a nurturer…seeking out those who were in need and finding a way to meet those needs. While this characteristic is often viewed as something positive, it can and has, if not reigned in, led to negative dependencies and unhealthy addictions to use this gift to fill a void. Especially in relationships, I felt as if I can meet his needs, then he will want me. He will feel like he needs me and keep me around. I will finally be worthy of love.
Hindsight, this chaos of emotions and unstable mentality is what led me to choose the relationships and romantic partners I did. It started out harmless enough (or so I thought) but as the pain got stronger, the relationships got worse. As one dead-end relationship ended, I searched for a way to fill the love-void and moved into the next dysfunctional one. I found myself in situations where I was being taken advantage of financially, being emotionally abused and even physically assaulted. My self-esteem and self-worth were non-existent and the relationships I stayed in reflected every bit of it.
I was one of the lucky ones. I escaped. But it was ONLY by the grace of God that I was able to do so.
Once I finally stopped running away from the only One who could ever fill my love-void, I was finally able to break free from the lies and destruction—to see my true worth and value in Him.
I am still a work in progress, and my guard is still like Fort Knox, but seeing my blessing in being able to come out the other side has made me a stronger woman, a stronger Christian and a more determined advocate for those who find themselves in the same place I was in.
If you are struggling in finding your value—stop looking to the empty relationships of this world to fill your void. There is only One who can ever love you like you deserve. How much are you worth?
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.
Still not convinced? Try this…
For God so loved the world that he gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.
You mean so much to God that He gave His ONLY Son. Stop believing the lies and start believing the Truth. You were made for more.